A treatise on meteorology, plumbing and pet medication

Well, the last week has been pretty non-descript, and the weekend has been a real washout - forty-eight hours of almost constant heavy rain, which has put paid to our plans to fight the next battle in the war of attrition against the garden.

On the bright side, the bad weather has meant that Iain's not had to do any digging. Let me explain. When we called a plumber in to sort out some toilet trouble a few weeks back, he told us the pipe that connects our toilet to the main sewer needs replacing. In an effort to save some money, Iain volunteered to dig out the necessary thirty-foot trench across the patio himself. So far, there's not a whole lot of hole.

I've had a busy week, work-wise. I've got a brand new contract from Longmans, writing extra material for the revised version of their MathsWorks scheme which will bring it in line with the latest version of the national numeracy strategy. As I sat down next to Mo on the sofa on Monday morning, ready to start tapping away on the laptop, I noticed that she had a lump about half the size of a kiwi fruit on her operation site. I took her to the vets' and came back with one stressed-out moggy and fourteen little pink antibiotic pills. I did some research on the internet on the best methods for administering pills to pets and found this:

Giving pills to cats and dogs

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CATS:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little **** 's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters left.

DOGS:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

The cat lovers amongst you will be glad to know I haven't let this cautionary tale deter me from my duties as a responsible pet owner; in fact, over the last week I've become a dab hand at administering pills to a cat. I wait until Mo is asleep, smear a little pink pill with margerine, prise the cat's mouth open, pop the pill on the back of her tongue before she realises what's happening, and then give her the margarine-y spoon to lick. So far she's swallowed the pill every time! I've also been careful to call the pills 'sweeties' when she's in earshot. Probably being over-cautious there, but you can never tell. ;-)

Iain keeps saying he's going to make a post to the blog, but the delights of the XBox 360 are keeping him away from the computer at the moment, so don't hold your breath.

Helen